Thursday, May 5, 2016

My Depression Looks Like This.

Depression isn't always a sad person sitting quietly in a corner. It's more than Cure tunes playing while someone cries alone.

Depression can be that, sure. But it's so much more. It's sadness and loneliness and bouts of high-energy and "let's hang out" then "no, I'd rather not but please don't be mad at me."

I'm writing about this because it isn't always easy to see my own depression. My days go along like normal and nothing seems out of the ordinary. But then I catch a glimpse of myself, of my actions, and I'm suddenly aware of what is happening.

And right now, this is what my depression looks like:

I'm surrounded by friends at a relay race having a great time. Then I'm in my home, pretending to enjoy the solitude but actually desperately lonely and afraid to reach out to anyone.

I'm crazy active, energetically racking up the steps and joining others outside for a run. Then I'm laying in bed at 10:00am, unable to nap but not feeling like I even have the energy to get up.

And it sucks not knowing which me I'm going to be on any given day. I fake it more often than I want to admit, going through the expected motions but feeling like a complete fraud.

This, friends, is what my depression looks like today. And I'm telling you because I don't have the energy to hide it, anymore.